Who Am I?

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately.  It seems that life has thrown me a lot of lemons lately, and I have been questioning who I am and what I want and what would be the wisest decisions right now.  I never thought that I would be going through this at 32 years old.  I always thought that by now I would have all the answers.  I’d know who I am and what I want and what the right path would be.  But the older I get, the more I realize that nothing is certain, and hopes and dreams can change just as much as anything else.

So, what do I do in this most uncertain time?  Do I throw in the towel and give up?  Do I keep trying, even though I am getting more and more frustrated?  What do I do?  I’ve been thinking and praying about my situation lately.  It’s been so hard to move forward with plans because everything is uncertain right now – my life, my marriage, the economy, everything.  And the only thing that has remained constant in all of this uncertainty, is my relationship with God.  

No matter how bad things have gotten, God has never left me alone to handle it all alone.  Sometimes I feel alone, but in my heart I know He is always there, waiting for me to acknowledge Him and to take the time to talk to Him and let Him talk to me.  In a way, this is probably the most amazing thing these days.  Always before, when things have gone wrong in my life, I have turned my back on God.  I have run away and blamed Him for all my misfortune, as if I had nothing to do with getting myself into the mess.  This time was different.  When my world came falling down on me in November, I thought at first I was going to crumble.  I thought I couldn’t handle it, and I wanted to throw in the towel.  My heart was broken, and nothing was going to be able to fix it.  

And then, an amazing thing happened.  I stopped feeling sorry for myself, and I immersed myself in prayer and in God’s Word.  I made what I consider to be the wisest decision I have ever made in my life.  I decided that I was going to stick with God, no matter what happened.  I wasn’t going to run this time.  I wasn’t going to let the bad things that happen to me shake my faith.  And because of that, I have been blessed.  God has taken such good care of me in the past few months (well really He’s always taken good care of me, but you know what I mean).  Whenever I begin to worry about things, such as how I am going to get food or gas or whatever the need is at the moment, God provides.

For instance, my home group has been such a blessing.  They know my situation, and they have been giving me groceries almost every single week.  I don’t think I’ve had to buy a full week’s groceries in 3 weeks!  Then last week, one of the members of my home group (who is also my friend) gave me some money.  Just prior to that happening, I had been thinking about the fact that my girls wanted to go see a movie at the “cheapy theatre.”  I had thought I was going to have enough money, but then realized I was a little short, and was feeling sad because I hate to let my girls down.  As a result of my friend giving us money, we were able to go.  That, more than anything, really brought home to me that God cares about even the little things.

But that brings me back to my original thought – who am I?  What do I want?  And what is the wisest decision at this time?  Well, I don’t know what the answer is to what is wisest at this time, but this is who I am:

First and foremost, I am a Christian, and I am wholly and completely in love with God.  Second, I am a mother.  I love my girls, and I want to be the best mother I can be to them.  To do that, I need to stay grounded in God’s Word – and sometimes that’s easier said than done with all of the things on my plate.  Third, I am a woman.  I am strong and confident.  I am able to make it through anything life throws at me with God’s, my family’s and my friends’ help.   

I still don’t know everything I want, or even what the best decision is at this point.  What I do know is that no matter what it is, God will be with me, and I can make it through whatever life brings me.

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